THE IRISH GRANDPARENTS are two of a kind.
1. Lighting a candle when a big event is coming up
What do you mean you’ve failed?! Your nan lit a feckin’ candle and all!
2. A nice drive
Preferably up the mountains. Basically, as far away from civilisation and fun, the better.
3. Imagining you’re still 9
28 in grandchild years is 8. To calculate grandchild years, just take off the first digit of your age. Yes, you actually get younger as you get older.
4. Telling anecdotes about the Easter Rising
They hid a fella down the back garden and their dad was in a photo with Michael Collins.
There he is, down the back. No, the one beside him.
5. A good pleat
A nice skirt from Eastex in Arnotts is always a safe gift for your nan. And your grandad’s trousers are always ironed like this. Always.
6. Secretly slipping their grown grandchildren a fiver
Always grateful.
7. Volunteering at Mass
The highlight of any grandparent’s week, to be a part of the offering was truly an indication of social status. Oh to touch that tabernacle.
8. Cooking things that taste like heaven itself
Your nan never follows recipes and measurements, she just KNOWS. She can feel it. Michelin star chefs are all just on a constant journey to achieve this level of amazing.
As for dessert? If it’s not smothered with a whole carton of custard, it’s not being served.
9. Caravan holidays
There’s a bit of sun. Summon the extended family.
10. Reading the deaths and telling you about them
You know your man? Him. He died.
11. Two-hour long phone conversations
The elderly generation haven’t been cursed with smartphones and social media, therefore only get in touch with people on the phone, rarely, so spend hours reeling off every detail of their lives since the last conversation.
It’s not over until they hang up and complain that they were kept by that one who’d ‘talk for Ireland’.
12. The Late Late
Friday nights are spent in front of the telly, no exceptions. They still haven’t gotten over the fact that Gay Byrne isn’t on it any more though.
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