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And soon it will be Castlepalooza weekend and Electric Picnic weekend and Indiependence Weekend… you get the gist.
With festivals come portable toilets. And with portable toilets come trauma, shite and stank.
Here are some top tips for surviving those plastic cabins from hell.
Ditch the rolls
Coming to a festival completely devoid of toilet roll is, quite frankly, ludicrous. Only slightly less ludicrous is traipsing around with a great big roll of Andrex under your oxter, silently proclaiming to your fellow man that you are off to make a deposit.
Said roll of Andrex, along with the other two you brought with you if you’re camping, will also definitely get soaked/lost/eaten by someone who’s skulled a few yips/given away to strangers in a moment of drunken philanthropy.
Small packets of tissues are your friend here. Carry one or two around with you for the day, and keep replacements in your tent/at home for day two and three.
Boots
Boots
Just don’t buy the ones with the menthol nose unblocker stuff on them. Ouch.
Wipeout
Just as with the giant toilet roll, giant packets of baby wipes the size of hay bales are unnecessary. You are not changing 178 nappies, you are going to a festival.
You can purchase wipes in small packets and again bring a packet for each day.
Not only are they handy for wiping… er… hands, you can also buy an antibacterial packet (Boots do them) to wipe the seat, thus reducing the need to hover.
Boots
Boots
If you have to hover though…
Place one hand on the back of wall of the portable toilet to keep you steady after a few ales. Nobody wants to be this girl:
Oh and hovering can lead to seat sprinkling, thus leading to the need for more hovering. Wipe up after yourself and be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
That goes for the men too.
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Queue sera sera
Portable toilet queues are inevitable. Don’t skip, but don’t get into a row over skipping. It’s not worth it.
Choose the portable toilets furthest from the toilet entrance and don’t be put off by people opening cabin doors, peering in and and stumbling backwards, retching. They’re drama queens. You’re harder than them.
Do not under any circumstances bang on the door of a portable toilet
You’re not an animal. As one festival goer told us:
A girl at Forbidden Fruit went buck mad banging on a portable toilet and then your one came out and immediately squared up to her to start a fight, and the banging girl palmed it off on a nearby shy bystander.
But do knock politely…
…if the little green circle tells you the portable toilet is free and you haven’t seen anyone coming out. Startlingly high numbers of people forget to lock portable toilet doors.
There’s is nothing quite like the stench of a portable toilet that has been baking in the sun all morning. The roofs of the cabins are opaque so that light can come in, but it also means that the heat can come in. Grim.
Place your drink in the little sink
If you simply must bring your drink in with you, place it in the little sink. Let’s face it, nobody is washing their hands in that thing. Check for piddle/puke first of course.
Wear your wellies
If you’re camping at a festival don’t make the mistake of popping to the toilet in a pair of flip flips first thing in the morning. You will regret it.
Festivals like Electric Picnic usually offer an option of some nice toilets for a small fee. You get a wristband and then can sit on a porcelain throne like the king that you are.
Some people find that if they just can’t handle the stench, a few drops of Olbas Oil on a hanky placed over the nose masks it very well. Also, your sinuses will be in tip top shape.
olbas.co.uk
olbas.co.uk
Don’t wear playsuits or onesies
Big mistake. Huge.
Accept your fate
You are going to see piss, shite, puke, tampons and sanitary towels. Somehow, you will learn to cope.
Or bring a lock
Some girls brought a lock so they could have their own portaloo at electric picnic.. #genius#EP2014
Sunday 22 December, 2024
Sunday 22 December, 2024
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15 commandments for surviving festival toilets
IT’S LONGITUDE WEEKEND.
And soon it will be Castlepalooza weekend and Electric Picnic weekend and Indiependence Weekend… you get the gist.
With festivals come portable toilets. And with portable toilets come trauma, shite and stank.
Here are some top tips for surviving those plastic cabins from hell.
Ditch the rolls
Coming to a festival completely devoid of toilet roll is, quite frankly, ludicrous. Only slightly less ludicrous is traipsing around with a great big roll of Andrex under your oxter, silently proclaiming to your fellow man that you are off to make a deposit.
Said roll of Andrex, along with the other two you brought with you if you’re camping, will also definitely get soaked/lost/eaten by someone who’s skulled a few yips/given away to strangers in a moment of drunken philanthropy.
Small packets of tissues are your friend here. Carry one or two around with you for the day, and keep replacements in your tent/at home for day two and three.
Just don’t buy the ones with the menthol nose unblocker stuff on them. Ouch.
Wipeout
Just as with the giant toilet roll, giant packets of baby wipes the size of hay bales are unnecessary. You are not changing 178 nappies, you are going to a festival.
You can purchase wipes in small packets and again bring a packet for each day.
Not only are they handy for wiping… er… hands, you can also buy an antibacterial packet (Boots do them) to wipe the seat, thus reducing the need to hover.
If you have to hover though…
Place one hand on the back of wall of the portable toilet to keep you steady after a few ales. Nobody wants to be this girl:
Oh and hovering can lead to seat sprinkling, thus leading to the need for more hovering. Wipe up after yourself and be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
That goes for the men too.
Queue sera sera
Portable toilet queues are inevitable. Don’t skip, but don’t get into a row over skipping. It’s not worth it.
Choose the portable toilets furthest from the toilet entrance and don’t be put off by people opening cabin doors, peering in and and stumbling backwards, retching. They’re drama queens. You’re harder than them.
Do not under any circumstances bang on the door of a portable toilet
You’re not an animal. As one festival goer told us:
But do knock politely…
…if the little green circle tells you the portable toilet is free and you haven’t seen anyone coming out. Startlingly high numbers of people forget to lock portable toilet doors.
Try to find a portable toilet in the shade
There’s is nothing quite like the stench of a portable toilet that has been baking in the sun all morning. The roofs of the cabins are opaque so that light can come in, but it also means that the heat can come in. Grim.
Place your drink in the little sink
If you simply must bring your drink in with you, place it in the little sink. Let’s face it, nobody is washing their hands in that thing. Check for piddle/puke first of course.
Wear your wellies
If you’re camping at a festival don’t make the mistake of popping to the toilet in a pair of flip flips first thing in the morning. You will regret it.
Try to wangle some kind of swanky wristband
For with a swanky wristband usually comes a swanky toilet. Or at least a toilet used by fewer than 3000 people.
Invest in a Comfy Crapper
Festivals like Electric Picnic usually offer an option of some nice toilets for a small fee. You get a wristband and then can sit on a porcelain throne like the king that you are.
Try the Olbas Oil trick
Some people find that if they just can’t handle the stench, a few drops of Olbas Oil on a hanky placed over the nose masks it very well. Also, your sinuses will be in tip top shape.
Don’t wear playsuits or onesies
Big mistake. Huge.
Accept your fate
You are going to see piss, shite, puke, tampons and sanitary towels. Somehow, you will learn to cope.
Or bring a lock
The 8 extremely emotional stages of Electric Picnic FOMO
Damien Rice closed the bar at his Galway gig at 9.30pm, and people were RAGING
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castlepalooza Electric Picnic Festivals going out longitude the stank