IF WE GAVE you a mere twenty seconds, we’d wager you’d come up with a least ten euphemisms for sex.
[image alt="nailing me" src="http://cdn.thejournal.ie/media/2018/08/nailing-me-296x159.gif" width="296" height="159" credit-source="Giphy" class="alignnone" /end]
And we’d also wager that that nowhere on that list would we find the phrase ‘sweeping the special chimney’.
Unless you’re The Times journalist, Carol Midgley, that is.
While reviewing BBC show Wanderlust today, Carol used a phrase so off-putting in place of ‘have sex’, none of us ever want to do it again.
"It’s TV that kills your sex life": people who own TV sets are 6 per cent less likely in any given week to “sweep the special chimney” https://t.co/zW23YdJRBY pic.twitter.com/amn2UMbWaV
— The Times of London (@thetimes) August 29, 2018
Providing some context for the programme she was reviewing, Carol threw out a few quick stats, and that’s when we were hit full-force in the face with her goddamn chimney sweeping euphemism.
People who own TV sets — and, let’s face it, that’s mostly the over-40s because they’re the only ones who can afford houses to put them in — are 6 per cent less likely in any given week to “sweep the special chimney”.
We’re sorry, but have you ever heard anything so unsettling?
Sweep. The. Special. Chimney.
We’re not the only ones struggling to get our head around the use of this term, and here is what Twitter has had to say on it.
1.
"plunging the sexy U-bend / unclogging the sensual vacuum / sweeping the special chimney / salting the steamy dishwasher"
— Tim Kimber (@Tim_Kimber) August 29, 2018
"wait, wait, go back a couple…"
2.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever tried sweeping the special chimney
— Tim (@sockformation) August 29, 2018
3.
"Sweeping the Special Chimney" just made me gag a bit pic.twitter.com/h4XMdDRvJw
— Philip Lee 👨⚕️🏥🚑 (@drphiliplee1) August 29, 2018
4.
If you refer to sex as sweeping the ‘special chimney’, I’m gonna go out in a limb & say it’s not the telly that’s killing your sex life. https://t.co/3nCEc7l4qd
— Jo Grady (@DrJoGrady) August 29, 2018
5.
‘Sweeping the special chimney’ sounds like you want to give me a fucking smear test.”
— Sophie Petzal (@Sonic_Screwup) August 29, 2018
6.
Good euphemisms for fucking:
— Cass (@ceebrie) August 29, 2018
- banging like a barn door in a gale
- slamming like a car door
Bad euphemisms for fucking:
- literally everything else but ESPECIALLY sweeping the special chimney just call it fucking you cowards
7.
Isn't "sweeping the special chimney" how the dad in "Gremlins" died?
— Tim Neal (@theperfecttim) August 29, 2018
8.
"Can I sweep your special chimney, madam?" "Ooh Bert, you are saucy," replied Mary Poppins.
— The Saboteur #FBPE (@DoomlordVek) August 29, 2018
9.
So... I need to throw out my TV, then fuck my chimney? Am I getting that right?
— Michael J Anderson (@CItizenKang42) August 29, 2018
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