1. There’s an unexpected pinch when you sit down – where the balls get caught between leg and chair – and it’s nearly impossible to legislate for

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This is testicle physics – and it’s still a mystery.

2. People with balls don’t remember a time when they weren’t ridiculously wrinkly

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The rest of your skin is smooth, but your balls look like a sculpture of Mick Jagger’s face made out of old leather.

3. Sometimes the balls unfurl themselves into a position that requires adjustment. And when this happens in public we know it looks bad

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Not-so-subtle leg movements is the best course of action.

4. The fear when someone throws the remote onto your lap from a height and you have no free hands to catch it or protect yourself is real

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5. The glorious pleasure of an extremely supportive pair of boxers is one of the only benefits of testes

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6. When you do happen to get pelted in them – the pain graph goes like:

7. It’s a pain that starts off as a slow, creeping pain before spiralling out of control and moving up towards your stomach

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Why?

8. Over enthusiastic dogs have a habit of sticking their heads right on the button

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They do not understand the concept of human genitalia.

9. Rowing machines, bicycles and hot baths are all unique scourges of the two little troopers

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Carefully does it.

10. The ball-check is a process that involves gently fumbling around looking for lumps in an already lumpy area

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11. And finally… children under the age of five seem to take great pleasure in punches to the demilitarised zone

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And that, truly, is a balls.

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