IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Single mothers admit causing economic crisis

Monday, 23 July

Single mothers have finally admitted causing the Eurozone economic crisis.

“We did it out of sheer badness,” a single mother admitted. ”We were bored with daytime television,” another single mother said. “So we destroyed capitalism. It was surprisingly easy.”

“We used to have children when we were bored but you get fed up of being criticised for that,” she explained.

John Waters and Kevin Myers immediately called on single mothers to go back to having children.

Study highlights upside to childhood obesity

Tuesday, 24 July

Obese children are less likely to injure themselves when they fall over, according to a new study.

Researchers found that the obese children they pushed to the ground during controlled research generally bounced back up without sustaining significant injury.

“It is important that we don’t just focus on the negative aspects of obesity,” a researcher said.

“We found that these children were also very buoyant and therefore much more likely to float in the event of flooding.”

Prisons would need €2.6bn upgrade to cater for bankers

Wednesday, 25 July

The Prison Service will need a €2.6 billion investment if it is required to provide accommodation suitable for bankers.

“Bankers have standards to which we all aspire,” a Prison Service spokesman said. “Some of our prisons don’t even have jacuzzis.”

It is understood that the ECB is prepared to lend the Prison Service the money at a low interest rate as it is for a good cause.

“The only alternative would be to imprison them in Switzerland,” the spokesman explained.

Commuters ‘kill buzz’ for junkies taking drugs in public

Thursday, 26 July

It is becoming impossible to take drugs in public in Ireland without being intimidated by commuters.

The problem is particularly severe in Dublin but is also an issue in other cities and towns.

“I can’t remember the last time I took drugs in broad daylight without commuters killing me buzz,” a junkie on Amiens Street said.

“They’re everywhere. They’re quite blatant about commuting. They don’t care who sees them,” he added.

Gardaí said they were powerless to intervene with commuters.

“There’s too many of them and they move very quickly from one area to the next,” a Garda said.

Lottery could allocate prison places

Friday, 27 July

Prison places may have to be allocated on a lottery basis as not being in prison has become increasingly unattractive for most Irish people.

“We’re looking at something like the Green Card lottery scheme that America uses,” a Department of Justice spokesman said.

Places in prison are now at a premium with those already in there refusing to apply for parole and long queues forming outside prison gates.

However, those hoping to benefit from the prison place lottery will still have to commit a crime. “We can’t just let anyone in. We have to have some standards,”  the spokesman insisted.

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