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Gardaí can’t stop ‘See Santa for Gold’ outlets

Monday, 17 December

Garda sources say they are powerless to stop the cynical See Santa for Gold outlets that have sprung up in shopping centres this Christmas.

“The outlets exploit children’s interest in Santa cynically but there’s nothing we can do about them,” a garda said.

Children as young as five are suspected of stealing their parents’ wedding rings just to sit on Santa’s knee for a few minutes.

“You have to,” a child explained. “They won’t take euros only gold.”

“It’s Frankfurt’s way, not Labour’s way,” Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore insisted.

Mix of arrogance and primitive beliefs to deal with X case

Tuesday, 18 December

Some of the country’s most cossetted elderly men are meeting today to discuss how to comply with the Supreme Court decision on abortion in the X case.

It is thought that they are broadly in favour of approaching the issue with a combination of arrogance and primitive beliefs.

Much to their annoyance, there will also be one or two women at the meeting.

At some point in the day the men will emerge from Cabinet discussions to talk down to people with the assistance of the media.

“It’s what we do. It’s how we do it. It’s not easy,” one of them said.

Archbishops say Mayan apocalypse could protect the unborn

Wednesday, 19 December

Catholics have been asked to pray for the success of the Mayan apocalypse to protect the lives of unborn children.

The four catholic archbishops of the abortionpocalypse said the end of the world was a small price to pay if it ensured that abortion would not be available in Ireland.

“Examine your conscience, pray for the end of the world,” the archbishops said. “It’s the only way to protect the life of the unborn child.”

IMF seasonal message of good will to all

Thursday, 20 December

The IMF has reminded people to check on their elderly neighbours this Christmas.

In its traditional seasonal message the IMF also called on people to give generously to each other and look after the needy and vulnerable.

“The Government should consider giving a little extra to the poor at this time of year,” a spokesman said.

“That won’t be happening,” Finance Minister Michael Noonan said. “Ignore the IMF. We do.”

Govt apologises to Merkel for Mayan apocalypse insult

Friday, 21 December

The Government this morning apologised for an insulting diplomatic cable sent to German Chancellor Angela Merkel last night.

The cable was sent from a Mayan end of the world party in the Taoiseach’s office.

“You’re an ugly old trout with an arse like a bag of rubble,” the cable said.

“We didn’t mean it. We’re sorry. You’ve a lovely arse,” a new cable sent this morning said.

Meanwhile, Condescending Minister Pat Rabbitte said the failed Mayan apocalypse meant the State would be paying the €3.1 billion promissory note payment due in March.

“Damn the Mayans anyway,” he said.

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