1. “I’m just going in to get the few bits.”
The few bits = five more bags of carrots, an extra tin of Roses, more milk, toilet paper, batteries, and a bottle of wine in a fancy gift bag just in case anybody comes to the house and she hasn’t got anything to give them.
2. “Well you have as MANY BAGS!”
It doesn’t matter if half of what you have is presents for other people, mam is convinced that you’ve brought the whole wardrobe down with you. What are you like at all?
3. “Santy was very good to you now, wasn’t he?”
“Yes,” you nod, 27 years of age. “Yes he was.”
4. “We’ll have the dinner at two o’clock and I’m not doing ANYTHING from four onwards. ANYTHING. Do you hear me?”
She’ll be sitting down in front of the Bake Off Christmas special and if you think she’s raising a finger for anyone, you’ve another thing coming.
5. “This is far too much! There was no need for this kind of present now. No need.”
If she says this, she’s delighted. Don’t worry.
6. “BE CAREFUL WITH THAT! DON’T BALL IT UP! I’ll hang on to it.”
Source: helvetica neue/Twitter
Why would you be wasting good wrapping paper, you dirty layabout?
7. “Look up there and I get a picture of ye.”
This usually happens at a) 9am when you’re opening Christmas presents in dressing gown and bed head, or b) just after you’ve eaten three helpings of dinner. No mam. No.
8. “I’VE GOT MARY HERE NOW FOR YOU – *stage whispers* talk to your granny for a minute. Say thank you for the card.”
She’s still worried she hasn’t put manners on you.
9. “Well the style at the church!”
It’s more like a fashion parade, arsa Mammy. And isn’t she right?
10. 5pm on Christmas Day: “That’s it now for another year.”
Always there to bring us right back down to earth.
11. *luxuriously* “And I’ll have a Baileys.”
Ooh, never mind – it’s all kicking off now.
Happy Christmas, mams <3
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