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The bride and groom* will go missing for at least two hours
There is nothing saucy involved. They are simply getting photos taken. The photos will increase in ridiculousness with each minute that passes. A lot of them will be taken under or near trees. Other people will be dragged into these photos at various stages.
The speeches will unexpectedly be before the dinner, pushing you over the edge into starvation
Don’t the bride and groom realise that everyone is now heading for gee-eyed, and fit to eat their fist?
You will feel a biological urge to win the betting on the speeches, fight it
The winner is actually the loser. You will have to go to the bar alone and buy a round of shots for ten people, and there will not be enough money in the glass. Misery.
You will be expected to show an appropriate amount of excitement for a) first dance and b) cake cutting
Your excitement will decrease relative to the number of weddings you attend. By around wedding number 12 you will be at the bar/outside during both the first dance and the cake cutting.
Despite claiming while sober that you wouldn’t dance to the Black Eyed Peas for €8 million…
…you will be the first on the floor, obnoxiously pulling at least three other people with you.
Ditto Galway Girl.
Grown men will do things you would never see outside a hotel ballroom at 1.20am
Particularly if AC/DC comes on. Then their trouser legs will be rolled up and their ties will go around their heads. At least one of them will slide across the floor on their knees.
Cocktail sausages, triangle sandwiches and bits of cake will be the most welcome thing you’ve ever seen
You need a bit of sustenance after all the dancing to Mundy. At this stage you couldn’t care less what class of cake it is.
One of these will be either the groom’s mam or the bride’s dad in the residents’ bar. You will see them the next day at the The Breakfast and they will not remember you.
Don’t take this to heart. You are a good person. And you survived another wedding.
Friday 15 November, 2024
Friday 15 November, 2024
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19 things nobody ever told you about going to a wedding
At the ceremony
If you’re sitting at the end of a row you will be handed at least four cameras at the start and the end
“GET A PICTURE OF THE BRIDE” they’ll hiss at you, making complicated hand gestures about buttons and flashes. The pressure.
If you’re in a church it’s okay to start skitting and low conversation as soon as Communion gets going
The serious part is over. There’s only a few sentences, a bit of paper signing and a song and you’re free.
ps If you’re at a Church of Ireland service there is no Communion. Loads of singing though.
If you’re at a humanist/civil/other ceremony it will be short
Try to hide your delight.
Between the ceremony and The Dinner
Someone needs to say “will we make a move?” when you’ve all been standing around outside the church for longer than necessary
Otherwise you might be there for hours. Maybe you should be the one to say “will we make a move?” and get the ball rolling on moving to the reception.
The bride and groom* will go missing for at least two hours
There is nothing saucy involved. They are simply getting photos taken. The photos will increase in ridiculousness with each minute that passes. A lot of them will be taken under or near trees. Other people will be dragged into these photos at various stages.
*Or bride and bride, or groom and groom
You will be left to horse wine and Prosecco into yourself….
With any luck it will simply be pressed into your paw (for free) by wait staff silently gliding by. The dream.
…while eating nothing for several hours on end
So much wine and Prosecco on such an empty stomach. Recipe for disaster. You could do with a sandwich in your hand.
You will hand a card containing around €100 to a stranger
And never see it again. You will spend at least 20 minutes being convinced that the stranger/best man is spending your cash on Jagerbombs.
There will be a murmur about what level of free booze you’re looking at during the dinner
Will it be just wine? Will there be any wine at all?
The Dinner
Your chair will be uncomfortably close to at least three other people’s chairs
Not only the people on either side of you, but the person behind you too. You will also be confused about which side plate is yours.
Someone will eat more than their fair share of bread rolls
The lousers.
You will have a conversation about the cake with at least two people
The following wishes will be expressed:
The speeches will unexpectedly be before the dinner, pushing you over the edge into starvation
Don’t the bride and groom realise that everyone is now heading for gee-eyed, and fit to eat their fist?
You will feel a biological urge to win the betting on the speeches, fight it
The winner is actually the loser. You will have to go to the bar alone and buy a round of shots for ten people, and there will not be enough money in the glass. Misery.
After The Dinner
You will be expected to show an appropriate amount of excitement for a) first dance and b) cake cutting
Your excitement will decrease relative to the number of weddings you attend. By around wedding number 12 you will be at the bar/outside during both the first dance and the cake cutting.
Despite claiming while sober that you wouldn’t dance to the Black Eyed Peas for €8 million…
…you will be the first on the floor, obnoxiously pulling at least three other people with you.
Ditto Galway Girl.
Grown men will do things you would never see outside a hotel ballroom at 1.20am
Particularly if AC/DC comes on. Then their trouser legs will be rolled up and their ties will go around their heads. At least one of them will slide across the floor on their knees.
Cocktail sausages, triangle sandwiches and bits of cake will be the most welcome thing you’ve ever seen
You need a bit of sustenance after all the dancing to Mundy. At this stage you couldn’t care less what class of cake it is.
You will make at least 3 new best friends
One of these will be either the groom’s mam or the bride’s dad in the residents’ bar. You will see them the next day at the The Breakfast and they will not remember you.
Don’t take this to heart. You are a good person. And you survived another wedding.
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Cake cocktail sausages Galway Girl locked Photos starving triangle sandwiches