IT’S PANTO SEASON, and every theatre and town hall in the land is currently full of fairytale creatures, Z-list Irish celebrities, and men in brightly coloured wigs.

Panto is wonderful in that it rarely ever changes. Really. After years and years, the following things are still panto stalwarts:

1. The token celebrity guest

Olympia Olympia

You can’t move in Pantoland for seeing Jedward, Linda Martin, or Twink. It’s just the way it is.

2. Staff peddling these things

Novelty Imports Novelty Imports

And kids in a huff because their parents won’t buy one for them.

3. Questionable covers of pop hits

With all sorts of references to the plot (or local jokes) shoehorned in.

Yes, that song above is a cover of Barry Manilow’s Copacabana, with the lyrics modified to tell the tale of a local supermarket.

4. Terrible special effects

Jedward making a very convincing show of fighting each other in the 2011 Olympia Theatre panto Sasko Lazarov / Photocall Ireland Sasko Lazarov / Photocall Ireland / Photocall Ireland

STROBE LIGHTING. JUST USE ALL THE STROBE LIGHTING.

5. Innuendo-laden dirty jokes for the parents

Adults be like:

Giphy Giphy

Kids be like:

Wordpress Wordpress

6. A subplot that has nothing to do with the fairy tale

Samantha Mumba in costume for Robinson Crusoe in 2011 Mark Stedman / Photocall Ireland Mark Stedman / Photocall Ireland / Photocall Ireland

“Barbie the Panto Dame is lonely! Aww!”

…Wait. Isn’t this supposed to be Aladdin?

7. “HE’S BEHIND YOU!”

Sasko Lazarov / Photocall Ireland Sasko Lazarov / Photocall Ireland / Photocall Ireland

Panto IS audience participation. Join in or get out.

And 8. Alan Hughes

Sam Boal / Photocall Ireland Sam Boal / Photocall Ireland / Photocall Ireland

Sammy Sausages, we love you.

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