IS THE NEWS getting you down? Current affairs causing a frown? Satirical site The Mire has an alternative angle on the week’s hot topics…

Psychic claims Varadkar will cancel The Gathering in July

Monday, 31 December

A leading psychic employed by The Mire has predicted that Tourism Minister Leo Varadkar will cancel The Gathering in July 2013.

“After months of not being invited to any gatherings, Mr Varadkar will insist that he is entitled to gather on his own if he wants to,” the psychic said.

“Then he will completely cancel The Gathering, saying that he’s not a people person.”

Last year, our psychic correctly predicted that RTÉ would discover Katie Taylor in 2012.

A rival psychic, Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore, has predicted an end to recession in 2013. However, he is not thought to be a real psychic.

‘If Pat Kenny can’t afford to retire who can afford to work?’

Tuesday, 1 January

All Ireland’s employed people were devastated this morning after RTÉ presenter Pat Kenny revealed that he can’t afford to retire.

“What’s the point? What’s the bloody point?” the employed shouted, as they rushed to become unemployed.

“If he can’t afford to retire on his salary who can afford to work?” they said.

“Spend 2013 lying down in a dark room with a damp cloth on your head,” an analyst said.

“Shite,” an Irish television viewer said.

Newspapers could save the internet

Wednesday, 2 January

The National Newspapers of Ireland have come up with an exciting innovation that could save the internet.

“We put our best minds on this and we think we cracked it,” a spokesman said.

“The internet needs to talk down to people.”

“Also,” he added. “The internet should be made out of paper.”

The NNI spokesman warned people not to link to this article unless wearing a helmet.

Seán Quinn released from prison without heed for his welfare

Thursday, 3 January

The persecution of Seán Quinn continued today when he was forced to leave prison without any training on how to adapt to the outside world.

“Where will he go? What will he do? How can they expect him to cope with the hardship of life outside prison?” a Quinn supporter asked.

In an interview with BBC Newsline Mr Quinn said he had tried to “fit in” to jail life.

It is not clear if this means he spent the entire period of his incarceration proclaiming his innocence.

Distraught, disturbed Irish just want to be Swiss

Friday, 4 January

The Irish people emerged from their homes and workplaces in tears this morning and began banging their heads off walls, pavements and each other.

“I want to be Swiss,” a bleeding middleaged man said between sobs.

“We want to be Swiss too,” his children cried as they ignored their Christmas presents.

Their upset came after it emerged that Wegelin, Switzerland’s oldest bank, is to close after accepting a fine for helping US citizens to avoid tax.

“I want to be Swiss too,” the Financial Regulator said.

Read previous weeks’ editions of The Mire’s Not the News>