Welcome everyone! Here we are for the second live show, after a week which saw Jamelia call Louis Walsh a VERY nasty name on Twitter. Here’s hoping everyone’s tempers have cooled down a bit by now.

There’s the giant metal fist that means we’re live. Also, the giant metal fist which will physically crush those contestants eliminated tonight. It’s a tough world out at the Helix Theatre.

THIS IS THE VOICE. WOOOAAAOWOOOOAH THIS IS THE THIS IS THE VOICE. And we’re live.

Eoghan McDermott is asking for everyone to send in photos wearing knickers over their clothes. He claims it’s about Sharon’s #knickergate, but… Eoghan, this is hardly the time or the place for you to air your personal foibles.

And here are the judges. Sharon is wearing a rather chic silver dress that she appears to have imported directly from the future. G’wan Sharon.

Up first is Wayne Beatty, who’s already brutally eliminated his own brother in the battle stage. He will stop at nothing. How many more relatives’ dreams must he crush before his spree of destruction is over?

Alan McIntyre has a question for Eoghan:

Wayne appears to have killed it with the judges, who are doling out high scores like nobody’s business. We’ve also had a closer view of Sharon’s rig-out, which is definitely from the year 3001 or thereabouts. We’re guessing she’s accessorising with a chic laser stun-blaster.

Here’s Jennifer Moore, who at 66/1 is the bookies’ outsider to win this thing. She’s singing in front of a backdrop of some kind of intergalactic desert. Which may be where losers are cast for all eternity. Or wait, is that what happens to the winners?

Here’s Sharon’s kit. Around her neck is the titanium pendant that gives her supreme power over the galaxy of Zorax-4.

Here’s Keith Hanley, who’s one of the bookies’ favourites at this stage. It’s fair to say he’s giving it socks. Also, he’s promised to “get onto Beyoncé” for omitting to send him a good-luck tweet. Fair play Keith – she is getting a bit big for her boots these days.

WHOA NOW. Hold on. Bressie and Jamelia have only gone and given Keith a TEN. This is like that time when I stormed the Stoneybatter Talent Show with my famous Justin Timberlake tribute.

And they said I’d never bring sexy back.

Patrick Kavanagh makes a pretty good point about Jamelia’s gushing.

Wonder is she like this at home. “It was such a privilege to accompany my spag bol dinner on its incredible journey this evening.”

Kian is warning that his contestants need to “impress the hell” out of him tonight. We have it on good authority that a funny-shaped cloud impressed the hell out of him this morning, followed by a postbox that also impressed the hell out of him.

Ray Scully is up there now, and he’s playing a guitar. Which on a show like this, means he’s a “proper musician”. But he’s not impressed Sharon, who says she can “feel his nerves”. He looks like the idea of Sharon feeling his nerves scares him a little bit.

Kelly McDonagh Mongan is up now. She’s doing a pretty solid job, so let’s entertain ourselves by speculating about the “special musical act” that RTE have promised us for later. What are we thinking? Dickie Rock? Declan Nerney? Maxi, Dick and Twink? It’s anyone’s game.

Karl Sheridan is confusing the living daylights out of the judges. Kian says he’s giving him an eight because “you’re two away from being a ten”. Is he just trying to prove he knows all the numbers between one and ten?

We’re now at the halfway stage apparently, and Eoghan has celebrated by persuading Jamelia to say “I wet myself” in Irish. All part of the traditional RTE welcome to outsiders.

“What a night it’s been so far and it is nowhere near over yet,” warns Kathryn Thomas, bleakly.

And now it’s time for Sharon’s acts. There are “no shy rabbits” on her team, she says. And she’s warned us that her strategy “may seem cruel, but sometimes… life is cruel?”

We have no idea.

John Gaughan tells us he’s been getting free pizza slices at school since appearing on The Voice. He’s playing a risky game with this bragging. Kathryn Thomas has NEVER gotten a free pizza slice in the Montrose canteen.

She’s acting like she doesn’t care, but you can see the hurt in her eyes.

Tammy Brown is up next. She’s swirling her hair around for the cameras like nobody’s business. In fairness she does have good hair. She also looks into the camera like she wants to eat it. Which must be a star quality, right?

Oh, we forgot to mention that it’s Sharon’s birthday. Will the other judges give her the bumps do you reckon?

Stephen Hudson is performing in front of a backdrop of clouds… No, wait, they’ve turned to LIGHTNING. This is pretty dramatic. So much so that Sharon’s actually climbed out of her chair. She’s terrible antsy.

Off to the “engine room” where Eoghan is looking at pics of people  in their underwear. Is he the only man in Ireland who can tell punters to send him knicker photos without someone alerting the guards? And is that OK with everyone?

Also, wee John Gaughan has revealed that he got tweeted AND followed by an FHM model today. God love him, he’s only just out of short pants. And they say The Voice isn’t a pathway to stardom.

And an hour into the show, Leslie Ann Horgan sums up perfectly what it means to be Irish:

It’s Team Bressie now. Bressie currently has the bookies’ top three favourites in his team; not to mention Ireland’s finest cheekbones. Imagine being Bressie.

He did drop his phone down the toilet while he was peeing the other day though.

All the judges hate the song Bressie chose for Terri. Or possibly they’re just jealous of the fact that he’s probably going to win the show again.

Next up is Sinead O’Brien, who’s second favourite to win the whole show. She’s made the brave choice of singing a ballad, and is giving Moon River a going-over. They’ve given her a moon for a backdrop, which is good and original.

The judges aren’t impressed, because she was out of tune. They’re all at sixes and sevens.. LITERALLY. (See what we did there?)

This means the giant-piece-of-metal-dropping-from-a-height sound is getting its first proper run of the evening.

Andrew Mann is 4/1 favourite to win the show. Bressie says he’s warned him to “stop wearing leather trousers”.

Andrew appears to have ignored Bressie.

He’s also lumbered with the four RTE dancers, who are dressed in bizarre stripey leotards and flinging themselves around like nobody’s business. It looks like someone ran 10,000 volts through a synchronised swimming team.

CORRECTION: Andrew was not wearing leather trousers. They’re just a bit shiny. We wholeheartedly apologise for this error and any unfortunate mental images it may have caused.

AND THE VOTING LINES ARE OPEN. This means Kathryn and the gang have half an hour or so to frantically fill time until the results. What depths of desperation will they sink to? We can only grit our teeth and wait.

First: the recap montage.

“Kathryn could’ve given her hair a brush,” observes TheClothesline.ie in the comments.

In fairness though, it looks like Eoghan McDermott was monopolising the hairstyling station before they went on air. His barnet is a wondrous sight to behold, and a testament to how far human civilisation has come.

Interesting theory from Sean:

First reaction: But how could a robot have all the feelings that Kathryn has? She’s always showing her FEELINGS.

Unless of course she has something to prove. Hmm. Any thoughts?

We’ve just heard that Terri went out for karaoke with Jamelia, and Jamelia forgot the words to one of her own songs.

Morto for her.

OK, they’re now having a SECOND recap montage. Come on, lads. This is a bit much. My brain is already full of session-band reworkings of modern classics, and I don’t need any more.

Interesting theory from Sean:

He could be onto something.

It’s time for that Very Special Musical Act. According to Kathryn, it’s “Andy, Ryan, Joel and Adam – better known as Lawson.”

Hold down any teenage girls in your house. They look suspiciously like heartthrobs.

Eoghan’s having a chat with Sharon about #knickerdress. She’s being a good sport about it. She says she didn’t realise it looked like knickers til she went on the telly, but “I nearly died laughing when I read the Twitter.”

OK. Eoghan McDermott and Stephen Byrne are doing a rap about the chest-thong, while Sharon gamely tries to smile through it. We are mortified for everyone involved in this. I think they just stole a part of all of our dignity.

Mark might be taking it a little far, but I can definitely see where he’s coming from.

OK lads, it’s results time. Cross your legs – in ten minutes we’ll all be able to go to the loo and have a cup of tea.

Team Jamelia is up first. Keith goes through, even though he still hasn’t done his dungarees up properly.

Then Jamelia saves Wayne, who goes off with a massive grin. Jennifer is busy being in floods of tears and doing that thing where you flap your hand at your own face. God love her.

Team Kian. Kelly goes through, which is no bad thing. She’s eight months pregnant after all and the last thing this show needs is the tension-induced arrival of a baby.

Then Kian saves Ray.

Things we learned: Kian Egan is shorter than Kathryn Thomas. If they ever had a slow-dance, his head would rest somewhere around her armpit.

From Team Sharon, Tammy and her wondrously flowing hair go through first.

Sharon says “uh… uh… uh…” and gives it loads about how talented they both are. Kathryn’s all like “We don’t have time for this, sister.” Then Sharon saves John. Is this because of the FHM model thing? Either way, it means his run of free pizza will continue for at least one more week.

Stephen is going home though.

Team Bressie. Sinead goes through in a bit of a surprise – she must have absolutely killed it in the public vote. Then Bressie saves Andrew. Which he kind of has to in fairness, what with him being the bookies’ favourite and all.

Terri goes home.

THIS IS THE VOICE. THIS IS THE VOIIICCCE. YEAHYEAHEAAAAAAH. WOOOOAAHWOOOOOAAHHHOOOOWHOOOAHOOO THIS IS THE VOICE.

That’s all from us for another week, folks. Hope you’ve enjoyed it. See you next Sunday. Now, have you done all your homework for tomorrow?