ALDOUS HUXLEY ONCE said: “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.”

Well, DailyEdge.ie is bringing you the truth, and nothing but the truth. But can you handle the truth? Or will it drive you mad?

Well you’d better brace yourself – because here comes our top selection of the truest, maddest news around this week. 

Milk-mad scientists revealed that cows listening to slow jams produce more milk. Stress caused by loud, busy dairies inhibits oxytocin – a key hormone in the milk-releasing process. Apparently, happy cows produce 3 per cent more milk. Moody cows, eh? We know a few of them. (Modern Farmer)

In truly horrifying news, researchers have claimed that there is evidence that crocodiles can climb trees. Though the reptiles lack the obvious physical features that suggest they could do this, University of Tennessee researchers claim otherwise. They have observed crocs in Australia, Africa and North America and have documented the creepy-not-so-crawlies climbing as high as six feet off the ground. Let’s just… forget we know this. Okay? Deal. (Reuters)

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A Florida woman accused of trying to get out of an $18.46 restaurant bill allegedly told staff that if they charged her for her meal, they’d go to hell. Like, actual eternal damnation, not just the phrase. Ruthena Lewis reportedly told them if they let her eat for free, on the other hand, they would go to heaven. Lewis then left the restaurant, leaving the business card of her church bishop in lieu of payment. God bless us and save us, that’s some cheek. (Huffington Post)

Three men in Nicaragua are being tried for the attempted theft of two bananas. They ran with the fruit from a street vendor in December, but were caught. Two are being held, while another is on house arrest. The trial has provoked ridicule in the Nicaragua – the stolen booty being valued at 32c, while the trial will cost $600. This story is, quite simply, bananas. Sorry. (NDTV)

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STOP PRESS: The end of the world is nigh. Well, according to some interpretations of Norse mythology, anyway.  Several world events have conspired to foretell the brewing apocalypse, which has been en route – unheeded by most – for about 100 days. Scholar Danielle Daglan claim that this weekend is the prophesied Viking Ragnarok, which bizarrely coincides with a Viking festival she’s running in York. Funny that. The doomsday signs include three consecutive punishing winters, giant Midgard Serpents rising from the sea (see below for more), and that Sochi wolf. Farewell, dear friends. (NPR)

Japanese fishermen are reporting increasing numbers of giant squid being caught off the coast. Shigenori Goto is one such fisherman. He caught two such squids off Sado Island and told the Japan Times: “I had seen no giant squid before in my 15-year fishing career. I wonder whether it may be some kind of omen.” Giant squids usually live at depths of around 600m. Sounds like the Japanese are squids in. (Get it? SQUIDS IN.) And yes, Shigenori, it’s an omen of Ragornok. Duh. (Mirror)

A Dublin teenager used Kinder Eggs in an attempt to smuggle cannabis into Mountjoy prison, reports the Western People. The 17-year-old male kept the “eggs” concealed on his person. They contained both cannabis and tablets. Kinder only had toys in them in our day. (Western People)

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Hey you! Yes, you there. Spotted any wacky news in your local area? Let us know on fiona@dailyedge.ie or below in the comments if you’d like to see your name in lights. It could be you!

Selfies banned in Sweden, rivers of caramel and some exceptionally silly criminals – it’s ALL THE PREVIOUS WEIRD NEWS! HURRY, GO, LOOK!>