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HEY, IF YOU want to add your vagina to the list of things you include in your daily beauty regimen, by all means, do it.
Shutterstock
Shutterstock
Just don’t feel pressured into getting on board the worldwide vagina beauty train. It’s exhausting. Just in the last few years, these outrageous fads have been suggested to make down there a bit more appealing… Er
Yes, this is exactly what it sounds like. Contouring for your vagina. How exactly does that work? Do you need to bronze and highlight? Can you double up with your facial countouring palette? Thankfully, no.
This is more of a treatment that a Kardashian-level illustration. Vontouring was keyed as an alternative to labiaplasty and uses thermal energy that claims to reduce the size of the lips, as well as tighten the entrance to the vagina.
Hi? Are you still with me? Nobody needs this, keep rereading that sentence again and that region will never be loose.
Highlighter
This is the latest craze, but by no means and least batshit. There is actually a special highlighting cream to run along your ‘bikini line and visible delicate skin of the triangle area’ to make it glow.
Not only is this a stupid idea, it has little cosmetic merit. Earlier in the year, people seemed very taken with the idea of shoving capsules full of glitter up their vagina so it would dissolve during sex. If you are old enough to be having sex, you shouldn’t be amused by a shower of glitter appearing on your partner during the act.
This Passion Dust caused a bit of controversy when it was released, but sure look, follow your dreams and all that.
Please click here if you would like to see a simulation of the glitter literally leaking out of a rubber vagina. Also consider that a content warning.
We all know this one, since it came crashing into our innocent lives along with the show that birthed it. Since TOWIE, none of us have quite been the same. I blame this one for the uptake in seeing the vagina as a part of the female anatomy that needs to be decorated.
What happened to the joy to be found in a simple pair of decorative Penneys pants?
Sheet masks are all the rage in skincare, but now they’ve moved to vaginas. While a vajacial isn’t the WORST idea in the world, taking a drenched cloth full of serum down there sounds like a world of discomfort.
Just take a minute to stop and question it. ‘Why?’ is a good place to start.
Fragranced tampons
Your vagina’s scent is fine. It doesn’t need to smell like potpourri or the pages of a new book. Just take a shower.
Lips stick
VMagic
VMagic
No, this isn’t a joke. Don’t try to slather some lip balm on your vagina if you’re having problems down there. See a doctor.
But hey, they say it’s “convenient to use on your labia and your entire vulvar skin liberally and as needed or desired throughout the day.”
Please do not liberally apply this ‘as desired’ throughout the day. Find a bathroom.
Tuesday 5 November, 2024
Tuesday 5 November, 2024
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7 beauty treatments you really, really don't need to consider for your vagina
HEY, IF YOU want to add your vagina to the list of things you include in your daily beauty regimen, by all means, do it.
Just don’t feel pressured into getting on board the worldwide vagina beauty train. It’s exhausting. Just in the last few years, these outrageous fads have been suggested to make down there a bit more appealing… Er
Vontouring
Yes, this is exactly what it sounds like. Contouring for your vagina. How exactly does that work? Do you need to bronze and highlight? Can you double up with your facial countouring palette? Thankfully, no.
This is more of a treatment that a Kardashian-level illustration. Vontouring was keyed as an alternative to labiaplasty and uses thermal energy that claims to reduce the size of the lips, as well as tighten the entrance to the vagina.
Hi? Are you still with me? Nobody needs this, keep rereading that sentence again and that region will never be loose.
Highlighter
This is the latest craze, but by no means and least batshit. There is actually a special highlighting cream to run along your ‘bikini line and visible delicate skin of the triangle area’ to make it glow.
What every woman wants – a big, glowing vagina.
File this one under, ‘no’.
Glitter bomb
Not only is this a stupid idea, it has little cosmetic merit. Earlier in the year, people seemed very taken with the idea of shoving capsules full of glitter up their vagina so it would dissolve during sex. If you are old enough to be having sex, you shouldn’t be amused by a shower of glitter appearing on your partner during the act.
This Passion Dust caused a bit of controversy when it was released, but sure look, follow your dreams and all that.
Please click here if you would like to see a simulation of the glitter literally leaking out of a rubber vagina. Also consider that a content warning.
Vajazzeling
We all know this one, since it came crashing into our innocent lives along with the show that birthed it. Since TOWIE, none of us have quite been the same. I blame this one for the uptake in seeing the vagina as a part of the female anatomy that needs to be decorated.
What happened to the joy to be found in a simple pair of decorative Penneys pants?
Sheet masks
Sheet masks are all the rage in skincare, but now they’ve moved to vaginas. While a vajacial isn’t the WORST idea in the world, taking a drenched cloth full of serum down there sounds like a world of discomfort.
Just take a minute to stop and question it. ‘Why?’ is a good place to start.
Fragranced tampons
Your vagina’s scent is fine. It doesn’t need to smell like potpourri or the pages of a new book. Just take a shower.
Lips stick
No, this isn’t a joke. Don’t try to slather some lip balm on your vagina if you’re having problems down there. See a doctor.
But hey, they say it’s “convenient to use on your labia and your entire vulvar skin liberally and as needed or desired throughout the day.”
Please do not liberally apply this ‘as desired’ throughout the day. Find a bathroom.
Yogurt
Women actually started putting yogurt into their vaginas back in 2011 to try and combat yeast infections.
Look, as a general rule of thumb, don’t put food into your vagina and everything will be fine.
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beauty treatments please no vagina