GOOGLE MAPS TRANSIT launched a handy route planning tool for Ireland today. While it’s cool and all, it’s not nearly as specific as the directions we’re used to receiving in this country.

Here are nine golden rules to help those lost souls get from A to B.

1. Start by stating the obvious

Make them feel like an eejit, they’ll be much more likely to listen to you that way.

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2. Pubs must be used as the main point of reference

Well out-of-towners can read, can’t they?

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3. Ignore all road signs

“I know you want Roscrea, and the sign may SAY Roscrea, but you drive by that and take the next right.”

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4. Get creative when distinguishing fields from each other

“The field with the round bales in it, the one opposite the field of rectangle bales. That one, yeah, go by that one.”

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5. Constantly use specific names of people related to you

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6. Roads

No need for M this and N that, roads can be distinguished by their condition or any stand-out cattle grids you may encounter. The standard unit of measurement must be given in traffic lights.

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7. Offer alternatives

Sure if you get lost look out for someone. You’ll only have to wait a few hours.

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8. Let them know what they shouldn’t see

“You can’t see the house from the road, but if you see the graveyard you’ve gone too far.”

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9. Directions don’t stop once you reach your destination

Be sure to comment on the condition of the roads and intricacies of the specific route taken. You’ll be asked, anyway.

“Did you go behind Fanning’s there?”

“No sure I came up by the school off the motorway, fine aul road.”

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